Since Jon and I were married four years ago, I've given a lot of thought as to what it means to be a "good wife."
During our pre-marital days, I used to meditate on the guidance issued in Proverbs 31:
An Excellent Wife Who Can Find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
(Proverbs 31:10-31 ESV)
She sounds
awesome, right? Godly, wise, super-diligent, enterprising, fit, skilled, generous, beloved etc. Who wouldn't want to possess all of those qualities?
And so I thought to myself, "I need to mod-podge this to a promenant surface in our house, as a constant reminder of the woman I aspire to be."
But somewhere between the mod-podge, the cross-country moves, the career/school transitions, the additions to our family, I allowed my "good wife" definition to become skewed by the likes of peers, insecurities and platitudes from women like Tyra Banks: "The most important item in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep." Really, Tyra? This is like a modern day "Let them eat cake," statement.
Each day, new sources would tell me:
- Good wives are immaculate. They are perfectly groomed and put together each day. Their nails are always done and their elbows are always smooth. They have endless accessories, which they skillfully pair with flattering outfits so as to keep their husbands interested in them. Wives who are not immaculate have their doctor husbands lured away by younger, more immaculate colleagues who are more pleasing to the doctor husband eye. (No joke. Admonition from a co-worker).
- Good wives have immaculate houses, all the time. They never have dishes in the sink. They never have laundry overflowing from hampers. Their bookshelves are always dusted. They don't have gold fish crackers under their couch cushions. Their floors are always clean and free from peas because their perfect children are tidy eaters that don't throw food on the floor. They are experienced at organizing life's clutter into little wicker baskets and making their own eco-friendly dish washing detergent.
- Good wives get a week's worth of errands done in a day, in between chores, so that they can spend the rest of the week maintaining their perfect appearance, house and children.
Ok, this is getting a little cynical, but maybe you can appreciate the sentiments. All of these notions contain traces of truth, but they are distorted by fear, suspicion, insecurity and unrealistic expectations. Unhelpful and exhausting.
This type of loss of perspective is corrosive.
I want to be gentle as I explain this, because I feel like it's so easy to let your marriage fall prey to negative influences at times when you feel overwhelmed (good wives don't get overwhelmed, right?). I've watched it unfold at times in our own home and 90% of the time it's because I've lost sight of my Proverbs 31 Good Wife definition. This happens when I don't spend enough time talking with God and experiencing him through His word. The other 10% of the time, I struggle with the Proverbs 31 Good Wife definition itself. I'm talking about moments where I feel sincerely perplexed--not about what a good wife is supposed to look like, but HOW she accomplishes all of the things in the Proverbs 31 Good Wife run-down.
Take another look at the list--it is impressive. She can't possibly do EVERYTHING on her list every day, can she? Bits and pieces, maybe, over the course of the month. Does she exist on just a few hours of sleep per night and a few handfuls of wheat berries for sustenance? Does she enlist the help of the fellow good wives in her community of friends, or her children? Does this model wife ever get burnt out and eat an entire sleeve of thin mints?
Perhaps it's that her ability to prioritize her relationship with God that makes all of the other things fall into place. Maybe it doesn't bother her that she noticed oatmeal in her child's hair at the grocery store because that same child rose earlier that day to call her blessed.
Ladies, I know that there are scads of us out there that want to be excellent wives and mothers. If you've ever found yourself far from the qualities in Proverbs 31, please know that you're in good company, but seriously, we should stick this passage to our fridges. Complicated as I find it at times, it serves as a great illustration about how to be a wife that gives life to her family and community.
